Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Self doubt is a useless whore. I always feel like I am scraping by on some lie and once everyone figures out what a bad person I am they are all going to run away.
The truth is that different people draw different things out of each of us. B challenges me in several different ways: She makes me try harder to work out and be healthier. Living longer is a good thing. When I work out with her I always discount the work I am doing (my forms is not right. I can barely life weight. The usual demons). Instead of focusing on how far I have come.. I'm thinking of trying the heavier weight on kettle bell tomorrow.
Sharon and Megan can sew. I have no patience for such things. I get frustrated and think I must complete ALL THE THINGS TODAY! This is something I am working on. Shay is an excellent quilter and has given me various sets of stopping points along the way. I am learning it's ok to have a project. They are called projects for a reason. And there is no perfection in sewing.
Lisha, Bean and B can dance in various ways. POinted toes. Long beautiful lines.. I always feel like a giant lump. I have rhythm. I can untza Untza dance. I got that down. I can dying flower dance with the best of them. Punch the baby, kick the baby dance.. check. If it's gothic night.. I got this. I even learned some basic pole dance moves. I would like to learn Bollywood. I want to learn Irish dance. But too much learning new things makes for a crazy Kari.
The Beast is good at learning all the things about whatever it is he is learning at the time. I find this frustrating. I think it's because I am jealous of his ability to listen to customers intently and listen to something else in a different ear and be able to concentrate on the both of them. This is a talent I had in school.. listen to teachers and carry on my own conversation. But this arm has been lost because it hasn't been used.
So what's tonight's lesson? Self doubt happens. I am still super awesome. I just have trouble remembering it sometimes.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Friday, August 10, 2012
I love to try new things. I love to immerse myself in something I have never done before. I find it thrilling, exciting.. and exhausting!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
(I had written this for Open Stage but got too scared paying attention to the negative thoughts and backed out. So here it is)
Some words, when spoken, can’t be taken back – Pearl Jam Nothingman
“They’re just words”, she said.
“These are the same words you say to me. Which words do not mean anything? The ones you said to them or the ones you say to me?”
Nothing you say or can say to anyone are ‘just words’. Your words carry meaning to those who care about you. They carry weight to those who listen.
The worst words hurt more than physical harm. I would much rather be punched in the face repeatedly than ever hear another bad opinion of me. They are just opinions. Hell, they are not even opinions. They are other people trying to make you feel horrible about yourself because they are not good at something. Jealousy, Hurt, whatever it is. They are not right unless you let them be.
Yet, those words that should not matter stick around forever. According to the demons in my life I am:
Good for nothing
Will never amount to anything
Shouldn’t have children
Cheater (when it comes to weight loss)
No matter what the good voices tell you, the bad ones stick around forever. I hear them in the voices of everyone who has said them and every time I try to do something new. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.. why do you even bother? You’re just going to get fat again. No one actually cares about you. They are only friends with you because you are friends with _______. You don’t deserve to be loved. “
Ahh the downward hate spiral begins. I get angry. Then I get pissed at myself for being angry. THEN i get mad at myself for allowing myself to be pissed at myself for being angry.. Until it's too late and I'm lost in the words that cause me any doubt.
The best words can make you fly; Soar in your thoughts, feel like the queen of your world (and everyone elses). I love these words. I try to share them with random strangers. “You are beautiful” is one of my favorite compliments to give women.
And although these never stick around long enough to drown out the others..
Loved more than I know
I leave you with this wish. Say something kind to someone you know. Be kind to strangers. Compliment strangers without fear (they appreciate it).
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak