Impossible Expectations

I love to try new things. I love to immerse myself in something I have never done before. I find it thrilling, exciting.. and exhausting!

You see, in the last month, I have decided to try: pole dancing, learning German, hooping and strength training.  I have found myself super excited that I can call someone a shithead in German or scream out some random phrase in a bar that only my friends (or random German speaking waiter) know. In learning German, I am forming my own tree house.

I have learned to move my hips in a figure 8 like I am scraping a bowl of batter. I have managed to learn tracing my body in a sexual manner and still manage to feel not sexy. I can now throw my body around a pole and open my eyes while spinning in circles. In pole dancing, I have learned trust. A tiny bit of trust in an object sort of screwed into a ceiling. Trusting my fellow classmates to be supportive of my clunky ass while I relearn my body and how it moves. I have relearned that the simple things in life give me the most trouble but throw the impossible at me and I will shine. I have relearned that all women are beautiful and I am jealous of this curvy creature who can is SO sexy it kills (and probably the person I will miss most about this class).

In hooping I have learned the extension of my body: How to lengthen, how to move with something and make it part of who you are and how to not look like a giant jackass while doing it. I have found the beauty in an object I always found as lame growing up. I have met a group of people that I would have not raised an eye to. They have been super supportive and welcoming me.

In strength training I have learned that only I have the power to push myself and get out of it what I need. You pick your own reps. People make sure your form is correct but other than that; no judging. I can scream at the sled for being heavy and making me work. I can flip off the weights. I also learned that I am competitive. I should stop that in this new portion of my life. I am weak of physical strength but mighty in my determination. I learned that bringing anger, pain and hurt to this safe place will only cause me physical harm (two days later and I can barely walk). I have learned I have a great support group who want nothing but the best for you. Even if you are trying to hurt yourself because you are a silly monster. At least my form was great and I hurt in all the right places? I am a grown up and in charge of my emotions and how I express them. Own it.

The exhausting part of trying to learn all the things in the past month is the extreme frustration at not being REALLY GOOD at it. Mostly it’s the unrealistic expectations and stupid high bar I put up for myself. What do you mean after 1 week of learning lesson 1 of German I can’t be a fluent speaker? What do you mean after 1 class of pole dancing I can’t climb the pole with my thighs and hang upside down? What do you mean I can’t be an expert hooper after one day learning to hoop?

I have no patience for myself. I want to be great at something. I want people to ask ME how to do something. I expect myself to be Superwoman: complete with body correcting tights and a cape that flows on it’s own.

Tonight I will take on my final pole class. Not because I am not enjoying myself but because it’s expensive ($100 a month when I have a $50 per month gym membership). I will remember on my final class what I have gained from working that pole the last four Friday nights – I can carry my own laundry detergent up the stairs. Small victories!